How to ***** Up the Best Man’s Speech

“Um… For those of you who don’t know me ummm…. I’m Rick….” Every time I hear the best man’s speech kick off like that, I know we’re in trouble.

NOTE: Brides and Guys, please pass this off to the man on your left before your wedding day .

Some guys are idiots, seriously. You give them a tux, a title and a podium then all of a sudden they are the TSN 5 version of open mic. comedy night. It’s something about the best man speech in particular that can really turn my crank the wrong way. Trust me, I see dozens of these each year. If you really want to ruin your 5 mintues of fame at your best boy’s wedding, please read on.

Here’s how you truly screw up your best man speech:

Don’t Rehearse

There is nothing cool about knowing your material. Reading slowly in dim lights off of 10 point Cambria font paper you printed that morning is going to make you insanely attractive to the single female’s in the wedding. Oh, and you read like a 6 year old after a bottle of champagne (this stuff sneeks up on you)

Get Jokes off the Internet

If I hear one more time “Fornication…. For an occasion such as this” one more time, I think I’m going to throw my risotto at the podium. We’ve all head the internet jokes at every wedding we’ve been, and you’re about as original as playing the funky chicken at the reception.

Say jokes about the wedding night

You’re asking for trouble here and will get more awkward #crickets than anything else. Oh, and if you’ve dated the bride before the groom, don’t give him tips. (true story – circa 2013).

Get really drunk before the speech

Because nothing says I love you man… seriously I love you man. Yous know, without you, I’d be jusss a guy without a hope… then you came into my life and changed me for the betttterrrr…. Sobs… sobs…. You get the point.

Roast the Groom for the entire 10 minutes

It’s a great opportunity to talk about his nasty smelling feet during the camping trip in the summer of ’12, but this isn’t the time to break that out.

Talk REALLY fast

It’s so much better when you can get through your 5 minute speech in 34 seconds… more bar time, right? It’s such a common thing for me to see a best man FLY through the speech only to have the content blended together and the guy turning a shade of pale blue. Breathe, and allow time for reaction.

Get REALY nervous

Guess what. You ARE going to screw it up. Another point, who cares?! Everyone knows you and “for those of you who don’t….” they will recognize you as a human being. Own your mistakes and laugh at yourself. Your true you is SO much better than the pretend perfect you. When you miss a line, own it. If you call the brides maid by the wrong name, make a joke.

Swear. A lot.

This is a no brainer. Grandma doesn’t know what a ************ is, and neither does the grooms 9 year old nephew. For the sake of humanity, let’s keep it that way.

Don’t close

The best way to leave a lull in the audience is to stop talking and walk out of the spotlight. People are used to a certain flow in the speech world, so unless you are acting out a play, or doing a flash mob, complete your speech, and close with a toast, a piece of advice, or a salutation to let the audience know that the show is over.

SO there ya have it, follow these steps for the most unbelievably terrible best man speech you’ve ever delivered. The good news is that you’ll probably never have to do it again.

I want to hear form you – Tell me the most insane speech you’ve ever heard!